Again vegan

Lately I began to eat more cheese. And eggs. Or rather, dishes with eggs, but pure cheese. I hate myself for that! Why do I do this? Hate it. I think to surround myself with a lot of sources of information about health benefites of vegan diet. Hope will work.

Personal about the blog

I am reading an amazing book right now. It’s about a lot of topics – racism, woman’s role, immigration, etc. At least I see it in that light. Like everything in life, a perception of a book is based on a reader’s experience and opinions. But I want to talk about another thing. The main character became a blogger and she writes about a topic that matters to her and it’s sort of a therapy for her. And that strickes me! I mean I have a blog, why not I use it as a therapy and a platform to channelise my sores? So here you go. I give it a try again.

I will have grammar errors – english is not my mother language. I will have unpopular opinions – hey, it’s my blog. I will have topics that matter to me – again, it’s my blog.

I’m not why I keep the blog since I never write here. I’m too affraid to write personal things – like about diabetes, about mom’s pain, about job and money fears, about self fulfilment, etc. I’m affraid like somebody could discover that part of me and I could be vulnerable. But could I be stronger from that instead? Can one be publicly vulnerable and personaly stronger?

Urge to buy

More and more I find myself browsing through Zara Home, H&M Home, etc. Everytime when we plan to go to a mall I immediately jump on an opportunity to search for something new in a home section of the stores. I do it online and offline. Why? I don’t need anything. I need nothing. I have everything. I do believe it’s my way to escape emotions. I’m so confused and have so much right now. It feels like I need a journaling session just to spill all thoughts on paper.

Why do I even call myself a minimalist if I don’t do what I preach. It feels so heavy.

Self-reflecting after The Style Resolutions 2021

After reading the latest article from Of A Certain Vintage I have so many thoughts that I want to reflect on.

I want things like they will solve something. But i believe they do, but i know they will fix a small thing that is not important. Am i afraid of having a third kid?

Self-care is often a very unbeautiful thing. It is making a spreadsheet of your debt, enforcing a morning routine, cooking yourself healthy meals, and no longer just running from your problems and calling the distraction solution. It is sweating through a workout or confronting a toxic friend, getting a second job to save money, or figuring out a way to accept yourself so that you are not constantly exhausted from trying to be everything all of the time. True self-case is not salt baths and chocolate cake. it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to escape from, and that sometimes means doing the ugliest thing you have to do.

Brianna Wiest

I’m so desperate about things, stuff. I call myself minimalist, but I buy more and more since we moved to the apartment. Like I try to avoid to stop and fix my own problems, but instead I fix my apartment environment. It is sort of a work that would be nice to do, but not necessary.

I’m afraid to look in my own eyes and say the truth. I would like to understand what is the truth that I’m avoiding like crazy and eating it out.

I’m bad with diabetes again. Second pregnancy when I give up and put the blame on doctors or external factor, but not on myself. I gain alot again and it makes me feel bad about my self control.

Even now when I’m writing this, I want to open a website and read and forget what I was writing.

I’m thinking about this self-care quote. I want to act on it, but I’m afraid of failure. All my life I’m afraid of failure. That is the truth. I don’t play games because I’m afraid to loose. I start playing only if I know I have a very high chance to win. I don’t start a project because I’m afraid to fail. And people will laugh at my pathetic attempts. I’m so afraid. I even see it right now in my daughter and I hate this part of her “why cannot she just try?”. I see myself in her and I hate this part of me.

Week 1.2(51): Plan for a day

Today is Tuesday and I just realised that I forgot to start a new habit! I have no excuses for that.

How is it going with the previous habit? It goes slow and not stable. I force myself to plan and the plans so far were very… staged. I don’t like that. In my head day planning includes tasks that moves you forward to your goals, but I don’t have goals so all my plans becomes staged and full of everyday things.

What is the new habit? The new one is a day summary. I want to look back at a day and see what was good, what wasn’t and what I can improve. Analyse and learn. Plus I want to see a progress.

Something else? I will continue developing the habit with day planning. And the same goes to every habit — I continue practicing them, well because I want them to be in my life.

Week 1.1(50): Day planning. Try 2

The first week was full of events and unpredictable schedule. I tried to plan first two days, but it after it was too much. I couldn’t control the events and had to act on the go.

I want to repeat the same habit again this week. Monday has passed and it was again sort of out of my control, but today – Tuesday – I can do. It’s the end of the day and by publishing this post I’m crossing my last task for today 😉

Continue to make the habit to stick.

Week 1(49): Day planning

So good that planned this challange ahead! I woke up this morning with a strong feeling to skip aka ”start next week”.

Ok. Screw the emotions and just do it. I think it’s a recipe for everything.

This week habit is “Day planning”. Everyday I set a plan for a day and follow it. It was said million times in every self-develop book/article/etc, but I never followed it for real. I did a few attempts. but never for long time. And let’s give it a try again!

Plan. Act. Repeat.

We are moving! A big project is coming!

I’m so excited! We are moving from our 118 m2 house with 2300 m2 garden to 76 m2 apartment with a balcony.

It’s a big change and big downsizing from an owner of a garden with potato land and a newly installed greenhouse to a 6 m2(I don’t even know the real size) balcony. The downsizing of the living area doesn’t make me sad, but the garden. But! It’s an opportunity! Now I have a chance to plan everything from zero.

I have some things from the garden left, but still will need to buy pots and maybe small greenhouses.

Besides pots with plants I’m planning to have a small outdoor sofa with a table. Bigs plans for a small space 😉

Find Myself

I still cannot find myself. I did nothing to come closer to the goal that I sat to myself.

What do I think about finding myself? Maybe a challenge a week? Like one week I do this, another week I do that.

What I learnt about myself is everytime when I commit to a long term goal, I know that I will not make it. I immediately set myself to a failure, in my head I already lost the task so I don’t even try too hard. Maybe the solution is to have a shorter time. Like a sprint in Agile, one week – one challenge. I commit to do my best for a week.

So first thing is to think about whom I would like to be.

  • Minimalist
  • Vegan
  • Health oriented
  • Career oriented
  • Responsible