Today I want to talk with myself about what I’ve learn from slacking time in internet. Why slacking? Because I always make an excuse that I’m watching a video to learn somebody else experience. But the truth is that I watch the same type videos again and again, barely learning something new. Instead I don’t even try to apply what I learned.
But let’s come closer to the root of the problem. Why do I watch videos in a first place? Because I enjoy watching how people overcome their problems and I want to learn form it. I want to have the same experience. But by watching and not acting I’ll never learn and the knowledge would be useless, which means the time I spent would be useless. Useless knowledge -> time wasted.
What I can do instead is to pause videos and act. Yes. Pause until I feel I implemented everything that I want and it’s time to learn something new.
My primary focus right now will be:
- Planing for a day
- Year goals
- Planing for a quarter
- Planing for a month
- Planing for a week
- Invest in index founds
- Reading everyday
- Saving on everything, being uber frugal
- Study for myself
- Baby steps
- Choose one thing
- Make a plan
The hardest task so far is to have goals for a year. I really don’t know what I want. It seems like everyone have a goal in their life and just make a plan how to achieve it and act according. Not me. I don’t know what I want, I just want to live and have enough money to have what I need and want.
Why am I teasing myself? I look at ads and open each link just to see photo and… for what else? I’ll never buy one for myself, it’s pathetic. But to show what I want. Why? I’m pathetic. I do act pathetically. How can I be string and independent?
Meanwhile I’m not looking forward for tomorrow.
Noticed my weight goes up too fast. Be more consciously.
Thinking about the projext that I planned this year. I want it, but it’s so much responsability! Scarry!
It was hard today. I did want to run away from this, but I couldn’t. Usually I just turn around and fo, to not face the truth and hardship of the moment. But today I couldn’t, I had to face it, even that I tried.
The other thing that was borhering me for more time is still here. But I didn’t feed the beast todsy, rather I was busy with the first thing.
I had the same battle in my head this morning. This time one of the worst case scenarios painted my morning sleep with almost tears. So close to cry just from my thoughts. Well played, head, well played.
Working in a garden helped to clean my brain. The body is tired, the garden is clean. There are places for improvements, but one at a time.
I guess tonight my head will be filled with morning thoughts yet again. When will I solve it?
I joke about wanting a jewellery, but deep inside it’s not a joke. I do.
I want so much that I want to stop want things.
If I look deep in my heart, I want one thing that my head doesn’t accept. How could it be that controversial? And how can I solve this paradox for myself? First, I need to make the decision for myself, then I can tell it loud. I’m trying to solve it in my head alone for the past 6-7 month and it doesn’t move. I want to scream, I want to argue, I want to be furious, but it will not solve the problem.
As usual I was wasting my weekend by watching everything on youtube. I always do it – to spend time, to entertain myself, “to be productive”, etc. Anything, but not live my life. I know that, this is my flaw.
Anyways, I found a video about a book 12 rules for life by Jordan Peterson. It’s not a short description of the book, but more a perspective of the author of the youtube channel.
One think that I really liked in this video is telling the truth. Especially telling the truth to yourself and don’t avoid uncomfortable conversations. I decided to make a list of things that I’m avoiding constantly. It was hard and uncomfortable for sure.
Here is my list:
- Photo storage. I avoided it so much, that I had to stop taking photos, because there is no space on my phone. As a result, I don’t have photos from our vacation.
- Studying and learning. I don’t why! I have a guess… when I was in school and university, everything that I did was for my parents, not for myself. All the study was for somebody else, but not for me. Which gave me a habit to force myself for somebody. And I thing now I got a connection in my brain “study = force myself against my will”.
- A relationship talk. This is so deep, I’ll not explain it.
Hehe. Seems to look random and small. I have just started. It’s just a beginning. I want to explore myself. I want to know myself.
I have started with the first one. Now I have enough space to take photos! Yey! First – strike.