Why am I teasing myself? I look at ads and open each link just to see photo and… for what else? I’ll never buy one for myself, it’s pathetic. But to show what I want. Why? I’m pathetic. I do act pathetically. How can I be string and independent?
Meanwhile I’m not looking forward for tomorrow.
Noticed my weight goes up too fast. Be more consciously.
Thinking about the projext that I planned this year. I want it, but it’s so much responsability! Scarry!
It was hard today. I did want to run away from this, but I couldn’t. Usually I just turn around and fo, to not face the truth and hardship of the moment. But today I couldn’t, I had to face it, even that I tried.
The other thing that was borhering me for more time is still here. But I didn’t feed the beast todsy, rather I was busy with the first thing.
I had the same battle in my head this morning. This time one of the worst case scenarios painted my morning sleep with almost tears. So close to cry just from my thoughts. Well played, head, well played.
Working in a garden helped to clean my brain. The body is tired, the garden is clean. There are places for improvements, but one at a time.
I guess tonight my head will be filled with morning thoughts yet again. When will I solve it?
I joke about wanting a jewellery, but deep inside it’s not a joke. I do.
I want so much that I want to stop want things.
If I look deep in my heart, I want one thing that my head doesn’t accept. How could it be that controversial? And how can I solve this paradox for myself? First, I need to make the decision for myself, then I can tell it loud. I’m trying to solve it in my head alone for the past 6-7 month and it doesn’t move. I want to scream, I want to argue, I want to be furious, but it will not solve the problem.
As usual I was wasting my weekend by watching everything on youtube. I always do it – to spend time, to entertain myself, “to be productive”, etc. Anything, but not live my life. I know that, this is my flaw.
Anyways, I found a video about a book 12 rules for life by Jordan Peterson. It’s not a short description of the book, but more a perspective of the author of the youtube channel.
One think that I really liked in this video is telling the truth. Especially telling the truth to yourself and don’t avoid uncomfortable conversations. I decided to make a list of things that I’m avoiding constantly. It was hard and uncomfortable for sure.
Here is my list:
- Photo storage. I avoided it so much, that I had to stop taking photos, because there is no space on my phone. As a result, I don’t have photos from our vacation.
- Studying and learning. I don’t why! I have a guess… when I was in school and university, everything that I did was for my parents, not for myself. All the study was for somebody else, but not for me. Which gave me a habit to force myself for somebody. And I thing now I got a connection in my brain “study = force myself against my will”.
- A relationship talk. This is so deep, I’ll not explain it.
Hehe. Seems to look random and small. I have just started. It’s just a beginning. I want to explore myself. I want to know myself.
I have started with the first one. Now I have enough space to take photos! Yey! First – strike.
It’s so weird to feel an urge to buy!
Recently I found myself in desperate feeling to buy a SPF protection and foundation. I never use foundation. I need SPF protection, but I have some at home. And it is so weird, that no matter if I know that I don’t need a thing, but I still want to buy it!
For example. In my wishlist I added a steamer. I want a steamer for a while now. I even subscribed to get an email if the steamer will be in stock. But do I need it? Is it a need? No. I lived without it and didn’t need an iron too. Yes, sometimes it’s a nice thing to have, but it’s not a need.
The same goes with BareMinerals veil. I don’t need it, I lived without it. And I remember how I struggle with my dry skin and mineral(basically any powder) foundation. And! Recently I made a quick research and found that maybe it’s not so good, as I thought. But still!! Still I want to buy it!! Isn’t it amazing?!
How to deal with an urge? I don’t know. So far I tried to just observe my urge. Do nothing. Just observe. I want it to work, I want an observation to work.