I dare to say that all my life I was lead by a need for independence. Since childhood to adolescence to adulthood. From kindergarten to school to university to work life. From friendship to love relationships. Oh how much I hate and love that part of me!
I clearly remember how much I wanted to have a job but wasn’t allowed to. It’s wasn’t about money, no. It was about having my own money that I don’t need to ask for, that I don’t need to justify for. And not that I spent money left and right, no. I just needed money to “buy” my freedom and do whatever I want to. Do I want to buy a new computer, I can do it; do I want to buy pizza, I can do it. Again, it definitely doesn’t mean I wanted or I did it, it was about not needing to report or justify it. And that how I secretly got a job. Yes, I went to took a very exploitative and paying-almost-nothing job.
This feeling of earning so much that you don’t count it as an income but call it “nail money” aka “money enough to do manicure”. It means that we lived on his money and my full time job gave so little in comparison it was nothing. It was convenient in a way, but it made me feel like I’m a part of somebody and depend on the one. That started from the first job and continued till my fifth job. I’m glad this is in the past now.
Independence is not only about money aspect of life. It’s in everyday acts as well. I hate to be depended. I can open jar, cans – no need a man for that. I can clean, cook, clean pipes. I can handle kids alone(oh I don’t say I would prefer or I would like to do it all alone, oh no), I don’t need a nanny or grandparents. I can do taxes, call service providers, pay bills, schedule appointments and other adult things. If I cannot do something, I will learn how to do it by myself. Again, it doesn’t mean I want to do it all or that I refuse a help, no. But it keeps me happy to know that in any situation I can rely on myself.
And this is all me – independence. That leads to freedom. My inner freedom, my outer freedom. My trust to myself.
What does it mean right now? Oh well. Lately I started thinking more and more about independence in my work area. I would love to have some small business for myself. To not depend on my job. Thinking. I’m thinking.