Urge to buy

More and more I find myself browsing through Zara Home, H&M Home, etc. Everytime when we plan to go to a mall I immediately jump on an opportunity to search for something new in a home section of the stores. I do it online and offline. Why? I don’t need anything. I need nothing. I have everything. I do believe it’s my way to escape emotions. I’m so confused and have so much right now. It feels like I need a journaling session just to spill all thoughts on paper.

Why do I even call myself a minimalist if I don’t do what I preach. It feels so heavy.

Self-reflecting after The Style Resolutions 2021

After reading the latest article from Of A Certain Vintage I have so many thoughts that I want to reflect on.

I want things like they will solve something. But i believe they do, but i know they will fix a small thing that is not important. Am i afraid of having a third kid?

Self-care is often a very unbeautiful thing. It is making a spreadsheet of your debt, enforcing a morning routine, cooking yourself healthy meals, and no longer just running from your problems and calling the distraction solution. It is sweating through a workout or confronting a toxic friend, getting a second job to save money, or figuring out a way to accept yourself so that you are not constantly exhausted from trying to be everything all of the time. True self-case is not salt baths and chocolate cake. it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to escape from, and that sometimes means doing the ugliest thing you have to do.

Brianna Wiest

I’m so desperate about things, stuff. I call myself minimalist, but I buy more and more since we moved to the apartment. Like I try to avoid to stop and fix my own problems, but instead I fix my apartment environment. It is sort of a work that would be nice to do, but not necessary.

I’m afraid to look in my own eyes and say the truth. I would like to understand what is the truth that I’m avoiding like crazy and eating it out.

I’m bad with diabetes again. Second pregnancy when I give up and put the blame on doctors or external factor, but not on myself. I gain alot again and it makes me feel bad about my self control.

Even now when I’m writing this, I want to open a website and read and forget what I was writing.

I’m thinking about this self-care quote. I want to act on it, but I’m afraid of failure. All my life I’m afraid of failure. That is the truth. I don’t play games because I’m afraid to loose. I start playing only if I know I have a very high chance to win. I don’t start a project because I’m afraid to fail. And people will laugh at my pathetic attempts. I’m so afraid. I even see it right now in my daughter and I hate this part of her “why cannot she just try?”. I see myself in her and I hate this part of me.

Find Myself

I still cannot find myself. I did nothing to come closer to the goal that I sat to myself.

What do I think about finding myself? Maybe a challenge a week? Like one week I do this, another week I do that.

What I learnt about myself is everytime when I commit to a long term goal, I know that I will not make it. I immediately set myself to a failure, in my head I already lost the task so I don’t even try too hard. Maybe the solution is to have a shorter time. Like a sprint in Agile, one week – one challenge. I commit to do my best for a week.

So first thing is to think about whom I would like to be.

  • Minimalist
  • Vegan
  • Health oriented
  • Career oriented
  • Responsible